Communication in the Bedroom
By Deva Charu

A practical integration of Tantra.
It’s an age-old problem; you wish he’d caress when he grabs, he wishes you would lick when you pull, neither of you knows how to share it or even if it is okay to share it at all. Everyone wants to satisfy, even amaze their lover, but we are not mind-readers! Here are some simple ideas of how to discover what you want, and share it with your partner in a way that they can understand and “give it to ya” with all they got.

Getting to know your own body

How well do you know yourself? When was the last time you gave yourself pleasure? Not just masturbation, but truly gave yourself what you are longing for? Do you even know what that would look like?
How can you expect your partner to give you what you want if you can’t give it to yourself?
There is some good news: You are going to have a great time figuring this out!
Take some time to think about how you would dream of being made love to. It might be is a total fantasy that you have never experienced, or maybe it is based on one (or several) great lovers you have had in the past.
When you are creating this vision you can be very detailed;

For Example: The room is filled with candles and rose-petals, my love is waiting there for me, when I enter he swoops me up and lays me out on the bed, he touches me softly with his fingertips all over my body, he tells me how beautiful I am, he opens my legs and caresses me with a feather, etc, etc

     OR

For Example: She finally bought that hot black dress and a pair of pumps, I come home and she is sitting spread eagle on the table waiting for me, when I enter she starts touching herself, as soon as I am close to her she whispers how she loves my cock and falls to her knees to suck me off, she strokes me first gently, then stronger, with her tongue just so, etc., etc.

You get the picture, these are just two examples, what you like is your own thing and it is best that you be honest with yourself. Remember this part of the process can be as simple as going out to dinner at that restaurant that you have always wanted to try, but your partner has never taken you to, or as detailed as knowing every motion, caress, and sweet nothing that would drive you wild.

Now the fun part! Give it to yourself. Find a way to give yourself exactly what you have been longing for. Instead of waiting for your partner, get dressed up and take yourself out to that fantastic restaurant, tell yourself how fabulous you look tonight, buy yourself the expensive glass of wine. If what you are longing for is specific to wanting to be touched in new ways, check out a DVD from the Loving Sex Series on Massage or check out the Erotic Touch website and give yourself the genital massage of your dreams.

What happens when we do this?

• We Create the vision of what it is we really want
  
  
• We Realize that we can get what we want and we are not dependent on the other
  
  
• By taking the time to make your own desires come to fruition, you can experience how rewarding it is to ‘have it all’ and how easy it can be to fill your needs and desires. Once you are aware of this it may bridge the gap and make it easier to talk to your partner about what you want

Knowing that you deserve to have exactly what you want

Contrary to what your parents told you, you can always get what you want! Now that you know what it is that you would like, the next step is to know that you are worth it! Most of us have grown up believing things like, ‘you are not important,’ ‘other’s needs should always be above yours,’ ‘don’t be too much trouble,’ and ‘don’t ask for too much.’ Here’s a new idea; what if when you are fulfilled, you are doing the world a great service?

When you receive all the pleasure that you desire, the very allowing of it is a gift to the world. In a more down-to-earth way, you can think of it like this, “When you laugh, the world laughs with you”. When you are well laid, you are more likely to go into work with a smile on your face. You may be nice to that employee that you had it in for and then she/he in turn will have a better day. They may have more energy to do something nice for their partner….. perhaps they will finally make-love again after a several month hiatus! Who knows, the possibilities are endless as to how much joy you can bring into the world when you are deeply loved, enjoyed, and honored through your lovemaking.

All you have do to is take the first step. You are in control of the state of your love-life. It’s not your partner’s fault that they have been stroking you the wrong way for all of these years…it’s no one’s fault. However, if you want it to change, it’s up to you to step-up and give them the data they need to serve you as the Love God or Goddess that you are…do not deny them for a moment longer! The fate of the world rests in your hands (not to mention the possibility of lovemaking that surpasses what you imagined possible)!

Give what you would like to get

Now that you know what you want, and are ready to receive it, the process becomes how to share this new information with your partner.

For Example: I wish my partner would spend more time going down on me, learning what works for me, and asking me what I want.
So, once you identify this as a desire, you can spend a night totally focused on giving this to your partner. Relish going down on your partner, offer the opportunity to tell you what they like, give them exactly what they want. Invite and inspire them to help you give it to them just how they like it. One great tool for sharing things that may be difficult to say is to use this simple dialogue:

• ‘do you like this?’
• ‘yes’
• ‘is there anything else you would like?’

         OR

• ‘do you like this?’
• ‘hmmm…’
• ‘how would you like it?’
• ‘slower’
• (make adjustment) ‘Is that better?’
• ‘yes’

The great thing about using this dialog model is that it makes it easier not to take it personally if your partner wants to make changes in what you are doing. No one likes to discover that they have been stroking up all these years, when really all you wanted was down! However, you simply need to remember that this is not about you it’s about giving pleasure to your partner, and feeling the pleasure yourself of knowing that they are deeply satisfied. Both of you may experience ‘growing pains’ around this, and that is perfectly normal. Be gentle, take it slow, and focus on your partner’s pleasure.

The great thing about a partner who has been honored, heard and just experienced pleasure like never before, is that they usually can’t wait to reciprocate! It’s a great idea to let this time be all about them and encourage them if they want to do the same for you to make a special date that is all yours. This will give you the freedom to let it be ALL ABOUT YOU! YAY!!

You can also experiment with this for the first time just with a simple full-body massage, this way it will be less-charged to say what kind of strokes you like, etc.

Accentuate the positive

Forget about what your partner is doing that is bugging you and tell them what you love about the way they make love to you, ex. ‘that feels so good’, then bringing it up again later (when you are not in a sexual situation). ‘I loved it so much when you breathed on my neck’...this can also be a way to build the energy and attraction between you throughout the day so that you can’t wait to get your hands on each other when you have the opportunity.

Morning tea-time

Just as you need to check-in with a meeting at work to see what is working and what isn’t, it’s a good idea to create a time for you to check-in with your partner. This can be about anything from what is going on in your life, your relationship, or your lovemaking.
A great way to connect and be comfortable is to meet for tea in the morning after you have made love.

• Wake your beloved with a cup of tea (or coffee) in bed.
• Find a comfortable way to sit close (I like to sit in front of my love, leaning back on to his chest, sitting in between his legs- the great thing about this position is that you can feel so close and held by your partner, and not be making eye contact…I am a big fan of eye contact, but it can be especially hard to maintain when you are sharing something that is sensitive).
• Begin by saying what you loved about the time you spent together and then gradually add in some thoughts on things that maybe did not work for you or things you would like to try in a different way. When you are sharing something that is true for you, but could potentially hurt your partner’s feelings, it is essential that you take responsibility. One easy way to do that is to use only ‘I’ statements.
  
  For example: 'When you blow in my ear I feel a little uncomfortable’ as opposed to, ‘I hate it when you blow in my ear, it totally turns me off’. Making a small adjustment like this may mean the difference between getting what you truly desire and getting stuck sleeping on the couch.

During The Act

Sharing how you feel and what you want during the act of lovemaking can be especially challenging. Sometimes I find that I didn’t even know something wasn’t working for me until a couple hours after when my yoni (vagina) felt sore and I thought, ‘Gee, I guess I was kind of dry when we did it doggy style, I wish I had asked to change back to missionary’. However, over time as we get to know our own body and learn to trust that it is okay to get what we want, we will begin to identify it during the lovemaking itself. Then you can begin on the process of getting what is in your mind and heart out of your mouth and sharing with your partner.

Here are some easy ways to share during lovemaking:

1. making noises
2. allowing the pleasure to show all through your body
3. actively moving into the caresses you enjoy
4. whispering how much you love what is working for you
5. use ‘hand-over-hand’ (or other body parts) to guide your partner to where you are longing to have more attention. Once they are there you can guide them as to how much or little pressure you like…be sure to moan with pleasure when they give it to you just how you like it!
6. Gently guiding your partner’s hand away from something that isn’t working for you and putting it somewhere else that does! ex. They are putting too much pressure on your clitoris so you move their hand to your breast and guide them to squeeze your nipple, which you love! Or ex. Your partner scratches you with her nails (which, although it is sexy in the movies, actually hurt and turned you off) and you gently take her hand and move it to stroke your cock.
7. Alternatively, you can simply say what you want (this is the most direct, and yet for most of us the most difficult one).

Saying what you want when you want it can be challenging for us in all aspects of our life. This is because we have been conditioned to behave in a certain way and often don’t believe that we deserve to get our needs met. It can take time to discover what you want, realize that you deserve it, and find ways to communicate it to your partner and that is totally understandable. The most important thing to remember is that just as you hope your love is raving about the great blow job you gave him, or that you made her cum harder than anyone else ever has, your lover is most likely hoping that they are pleasing you like no other.

In finding ways to share what it is you like, you are actually giving them what they want while you are getting what you want! You are taking the guessing-game element out of lovemaking and giving your partner everything they need to become the best lover you have ever had!